Sunday, September 8, 2013

I lost my dad 6 years ago today.

I often wonder if I made the right decision in May of 2007?  Did I hear what the doctors said or did I   hear what I just wanted to hear.  Had they said that my dad would recover from his stroke?  Had they said that the trach would only be temporary?  Had they said that if we didn't do it he would die?  That part I think they did say.  I wasn't ready to lose my dad.  Did I do what he really wanted?  Did he finish out his life as he would have wanted?  Was he happy at the end?  The answers to those questions is a definite NO!  We kept a daily diary by his visitor of how he was feeling and what he was acting like during their visit for those 4 months.  I recently got this diary out and read some of the pages.  My dad had always been a very lively, fun loving person.  He never acted or looked his age.  The last 4 months of his life he was depressed and sad and in pain both inside and out.  Now that I sit here I would have to answer my first question with the answer no.  I wasn't ready to let him go, so I said yes to the trach and the feeding tube, so I could have more time with him.  I was being selfish and I should have honored his wishes.  I hoped I could force him to fight and get better.  The photo above is his very last fishing trip that took place a week before his death.  I was determined that he would fish one more time.  Did he really have fun?  I like to think so.  He loved fishing and actually wanted his ashes taken to Canada to be dumped in his favorite fishing lake.  That wish was honored.  It was the least I could do for him.  I hope that if I am ever faced with this decision again that I can be strong and choose quality over quantity and let them go in the beginning. 

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